[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Omg 🤣
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
When you don’t understand how floors work
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one