My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?