You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
You Might Also Like
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup