“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂