Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
One of the best
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I got bills
They’re multiplying
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”