[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?