Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I only treason on days ending in y
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…