Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Y’all know who you are.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Lucky old June.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards