*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*looks at you in batman voice*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.