asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
scares
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.