Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.