“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.