if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Well, that should do it
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now