In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.