If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.