Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Think I pulled my liver
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…