In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Camping tip: No.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!