I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
wut hotdog?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”