Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Snapes on a plane.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.