him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.