my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go