Become ungovernable.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
This was the best day of my life