Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
What do you hear?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.