Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?