You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.