You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom