You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
another case of gang violins
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.