You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?