how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.