They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”