Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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Me if I was a dog
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
definitely did not do anything wrong
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.