my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I created you as mosquito food.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.