Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.