”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”