me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs