Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.