Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
marvel comics have peaked
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
mathematically impossible
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
i wish we could shoplift online
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists