[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
they split up moments later
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun