Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
You Might Also Like
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
men are simple creatures
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.