You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
my professor scared me for a second
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe