How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
You Might Also Like
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today