Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have