I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I hate my earbuds.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?