Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A roof is a house hat.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.