*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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There is wisdom there.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Challenge accepted.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.