“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
How to wake up a Beagle
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.