All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”