how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You Might Also Like
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.