how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?