I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Whoa 😂
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”