I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.