Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?