When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake